The New Forest Pony Survival Guide

It all started very simply. "Do you want to come camping in The New Forest with us?". I jumped at the chance! I love spending time with my brother's young family, and I hadn't been camping for almost ten years. I had almost forgotten how much fun it was. I had completely forgotten about The Ponies!

I haven't always been afraid of ponies. Growing up my sister had a dapple grey named Braidy and a Shire Horse called April. I used to want to ride them, but I was always told I couldn't "because of your allergies". Later, when I was a little bit older, I was allowed to ride the horses my step-sister used to look after. I say 'ride' but with Charlie, perhaps 'try to persuade the lazy lump to even move' is more accurate. I was still allergic, but if I didn't ride the horses, there was literally nothing else to do. So I accepted the sneezes and asthma over death by boredom.

The tides turned on how I felt about ponies following a riding accident in which we lost a young member of our family. It was then that I fully noticed their huge size and strength in comparison to ourselves. And, whilst we allow ourselves to think we 'break' them in and can then maintain control over them, I believe they are just humouring us, because, if they want to, they can really show us who's boss! It also doesn't help that I had a vivid dream (bordering on nightmare) about a giant black horse and armies of soldiers emerging from the sea marching towards me crying 'War'... but that it another story entirely...

So, I no longer trust ponies. It's not like I think they are going to trick me into giving them my pin code. I am not even sure what the would do with my pin code when they inevitably got it from me. Sainbury's bumper bag of carrots and a pack of Polos perhaps? It's more to do with the fact that they are just too unpredictable for me.

Let me start to tell you about my New Forest Pony Survival Guide. I'll start by explaining why I need a pony survival guide in the first place...

The New Forest has hundreds of wild ponies living in it which are free to roam day and night. They don't have a curfew. They don't even have an ankle tag! The first night camping was fine, I had seen a few ponies around the site, but they seemed to be minding their own business, no doubt contemplating whether to get shod with new shoes - I could almost see the pale girly one visualising the sparkly sling backs she'd seen through Dorothy Perkin's window and whether they would go with her new pony tail 'up do'. No, night one was not a problem, it was Night Two when the trouble began....

We'd had a great day taking my little niece to the deer sanctuary and reptile house. We'd cooked sausages on the camp fire. We'd even had toasted marshmallows. The only minor issue was that I had forgotten to bring a torch, so on sun down, it was an early bedtime for me! Apart from that, everything was good. For a short while.

Just as I was falling asleep I heard clumsy footsteps and heavy breathing outside my tent. My heart started to do that 'I think there is someone in the house so I am going to beat twice as fast and really loudly so the intruder can hear it and know exactly where I am' thing. Who was it? Or worse, what was it? I thought I should get my torch and have a look, then remembered my torch is fast asleep on the shelf in Oxford. Lazy torch! The heavy footsteps and breathing soon was interrupted by the sound of tearing and chewing, it was then that my supersonic brain joined the dots and identified the noises as a pony outside my tent!! Scary bananas!! I stopped breathing in case it found me. I shortly started breathing again because I thought possible injury by pony was a better bet than definite death by lack of oxygen. Quick, brain... what should I do? The best brain came up with was curl in a ball, ignore it and go to sleep. Sleep? Very funny brain!

So there I was, in the dark, curled in a ball, panic stricken and wide eyed, 'trying to sleep', when it became apparent that the ENTIRE population of The New Forest Ponies had converged on our camp site and decided that now (1am? 2am? I had no idea, for which I blame lazy torch, lazy watch, and lazy 'I have no batteries left' mobile), NOW was the perfect time to all begin neighing and stampeding through the site, right past my tent. Brain had to re-think. Carrots! If I had some carrots (which for some reason I forgot to pack in my essential camping bag) I could throw them away from our tents and divert the ponies to someone else's tents. But then they might send the message out to other ponies 'free carrots, come quick' so I thought, better not. No, carrots could make things worse. A cattlegrid! I could quickly install cattlegrids around the perimeter of our tents to stop them getting near, yes that would do it, cattlegrids were a great idea. A wall would be quite handy too. It was in this 'helpful' vain that brain continued until I became aware that I must have somehow found sleep because here I was waking up. Alive.

So, in my knowledgable position as 'pony survivor', I wanted to share my recommended pony survival kit with you:

• Carrots (although could be risky, see related danger of 'more ponies' discussed above)
• Cattlegrids (not an 'easy fix')
• Walls (easier)
• Moats (only recommended for experienced landscape gardeners)
• Electric Fencing (installation must be undertaken by a CORGI registered electrician)

The ponies came back the next day and gatecrashed our barbecue. Although, if they thought they were going to get their hooves on our burgers and trifle they had better think again! I am very protective of friends, family and food.

Honestly! Those New Forest ponies - they have no boundaries! I personally blame the parents.