Helpful hints for Pilots

Dear Mr Pilot. 

Now I know I am no expert, as I have not gone to pilot school, but I feel I must discuss some of my recent thoughts with you. These are no flashes of genius inspiration. These are just general 'handy hints' at what I think you may consider for your next 'conversational' pep talk with your (captive at 13,000 feet, half way to our destination) passengers. 

General socially acceptable topics at this point in a substantially turbulent flight could include:

1) "Here at Malaysia Airlines we hope you have enjoyed your time at Langkawi Island and on behalf of myself and the cabin crew, we thank you for travelling with Malaysia Airlines. We wish you a save onwards journey". This is nice - it acknowledges they have taken care to understand where we have been and that we have chosen them, above other airlines, to select as our flight provider. Sweet and to the point.

Or....

2) "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Our current altitude is 13,000 feet, local time at destination is 14:45 and temperature is 32°". This gives us useful information about what we can expect on arrival. It's raaa hot everyone please be prepared to get hot on exiting the plane. This one is also deemed 'appropriate'.

Another favourite:

3) "Take the time to look through the great in-flight deals in your 'Going Places' magazine found in the seat pocket" - this one is not so useful for me, I don't buy duty free on the plane, however there must be people who inexplicably forget to buy their duty free in the hours before the flight when everyone is caged up in the repeating selections of cigarettes, alcohol, chocolates and perfume. That's all they sell in airports. "Do you have chewing gum?" - "No, but you can have 400 cigarettes, and litres of 40% proof booze". 

Anyway, in addition to the above, the pilot may talk about other random NICE stuff. That would be ok too.

However, our pilot, decided to go for a phrase that I, personally, wouldn't necessarily choose to blurt out, during turbulence, after a prolonged period of silence. So, Mr Pilot, if you want calm, secure, happy passengers my advice is that the following sentence is NEVER uttered at random, during turbulence, nowhere near land:

"If an emergency landing becomes necessary please leave the aircraft immediately via the emergency doors and do not stop for your baggage"!

"Huh?"

The outwardly cool, inwardly cowardly flyer in me just heard: "Emergency landing.... Necessary.... Immediately....  Emergency doors". 

Not good Mr Pilot, not good. 

I'm calm now, writing this on the second flight of the day, at 13,000 feet. Think this pilot is more on my wavelength. Silence is good. No news is good news as 'they' say.

Just something for you to think about Mr Pilot.

Yours Sincerely,

Passenger X (seat 14A)

Roger? Over and out.