I recently bestowed upon myself an honourary Fellowship to the Institute of Procrastinators. I am not normally one to advertise my own achievements, but, in this instance, it is unmistakable. I am possibly the world's best, most proficient procrastinator. Lend me your ears and a little of your time and I will explain....
I recently took an exam. An exam I had been booked to take for over a year. Of course, as soon as I received my joining instructions I prepared a study plan, diligently read through course material well in advance, highlighted key statements, tagged important pages, condensed my notes, produced flash cards and practiced past papers until I could answer questions in my sleep.
I did all of this.
In. My. Mind.
Unfortunately, and reasonably foreseeable given my past performance in situations such as this, reality got in the way. This is what happened in REAL life....
1) I booked onto the course and within a week I received all of my course materials.
2) One. Whole. Year. Passed.
3) I had one week left until my exam. Yes, my professional exam. The exam that professional people take.
4) The realisation of the need to revise dawned on me.
5) Panic set in.
6) The fine art of procrastinating began.
This is how real people revise, and this forms the basics of the professional procrastinators handbook...
1) You will need a funky folder, bright pens, pretty dividers and coloured paper clips. Without these you cannot start. No knowledge can be retained until these items are obtained. So, first, you need to go stationery shopping. I don't mean at Tesco. Tesco stationery will not do. Paperchase stationery is a minimum standard.
2) Most of the hard work is now done so at this point you will need to take a break to reward yourself for preparing to prepare to start.
3) It is scientifically proven that your brain cannot retain any new information if your house is not spotless therefore the best use of your time right now will be to clean all rooms in the house. Possibly twice. Yes, twice is best, that will definitely increase your performance in the exam. If you find you do not have enough dusters or detergent or sponges, then you will need to go shopping. Again.
4) Once your house is spotless you will be tired. And everyone knows you cannot learn anything if you're tired so you'll either need a nap right about now or you should just unwind in front of the telly.
5) Oh, the garden. Don't forget the garden! Don't forget that well known saying... you know "never was an exam passed whilst the garden lay in want of a mow"... or something similar. I think it may be a Chinese proverb. Just in case it is true you had better mow the lawn. Just in case.
6) You should now congratulate yourself. You have made considerable progress to almost starting revision at this point. It wont be long before you are ready to pick up the book. Seriously, take time to marvel in your success.
7) All that self congratulations is hungry work. Time for a little sustainance.
8) If it is sunny outside revision is always just that little bit easier if it is drenched with sunshine. But before you can go out into your garden in the sunshine you need to get that beach body. So time should be valuably spent primping and preening. You will need to wash, dry and straighten your hair. While you're at it, you may as well paint your finger nails and toe nails too. If something is worth doing it's worth doing properly. Oh and if you're out in the sun you'll need suntan lotion. This may require another trip to the shops.
9) You are almost there. Almost ready to start. It may start raining now and you'll have to abandon revision as you can't revise outside in the rain. That would just be silly now.
10) It is probably nearing the end of the day now. You should begin to feel weary. All this almost revising stuff is draining work. You should probably get some sleep ready for some more 'almost revising' tomorrow.
The days will vanish and suddenly there will be just four days between zero knowledge and the day when you need to know everything.
It is now inevitable that those four days and nights will become a blur of books, acronyms, memory aids, coffee, reciting, reproducing models, reciting definitions and more coffee, coffee, coffee.
The smart side of your brain will now be berating the dumb side of your brain with clever taunts like "if you'd just started revising earlier you wouldn't be in this position". Marvelous. Amazingly helpful Mr Smartside. Where were you earlier in the week huh Smartside? Didn't hear you piping up when we were in Paperchase buying stationery.
Tell you what Smartside... when we get in the exam you go ahead without us and make a start. Me and Dumbside will spend the first hour of the exam perfecting our finely honed fine art of procrastination.
