Helpful hints for Pilots

Dear Mr Pilot. 

Now I know I am no expert, as I have not gone to pilot school, but I feel I must discuss some of my recent thoughts with you. These are no flashes of genius inspiration. These are just general 'handy hints' at what I think you may consider for your next 'conversational' pep talk with your (captive at 13,000 feet, half way to our destination) passengers. 

General socially acceptable topics at this point in a substantially turbulent flight could include:

1) "Here at Malaysia Airlines we hope you have enjoyed your time at Langkawi Island and on behalf of myself and the cabin crew, we thank you for travelling with Malaysia Airlines. We wish you a save onwards journey". This is nice - it acknowledges they have taken care to understand where we have been and that we have chosen them, above other airlines, to select as our flight provider. Sweet and to the point.

Or....

2) "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Our current altitude is 13,000 feet, local time at destination is 14:45 and temperature is 32°". This gives us useful information about what we can expect on arrival. It's raaa hot everyone please be prepared to get hot on exiting the plane. This one is also deemed 'appropriate'.

Another favourite:

3) "Take the time to look through the great in-flight deals in your 'Going Places' magazine found in the seat pocket" - this one is not so useful for me, I don't buy duty free on the plane, however there must be people who inexplicably forget to buy their duty free in the hours before the flight when everyone is caged up in the repeating selections of cigarettes, alcohol, chocolates and perfume. That's all they sell in airports. "Do you have chewing gum?" - "No, but you can have 400 cigarettes, and litres of 40% proof booze". 

Anyway, in addition to the above, the pilot may talk about other random NICE stuff. That would be ok too.

However, our pilot, decided to go for a phrase that I, personally, wouldn't necessarily choose to blurt out, during turbulence, after a prolonged period of silence. So, Mr Pilot, if you want calm, secure, happy passengers my advice is that the following sentence is NEVER uttered at random, during turbulence, nowhere near land:

"If an emergency landing becomes necessary please leave the aircraft immediately via the emergency doors and do not stop for your baggage"!

"Huh?"

The outwardly cool, inwardly cowardly flyer in me just heard: "Emergency landing.... Necessary.... Immediately....  Emergency doors". 

Not good Mr Pilot, not good. 

I'm calm now, writing this on the second flight of the day, at 13,000 feet. Think this pilot is more on my wavelength. Silence is good. No news is good news as 'they' say.

Just something for you to think about Mr Pilot.

Yours Sincerely,

Passenger X (seat 14A)

Roger? Over and out.

On the Wings of a Butterfly

This is a first, I am actually travel blogging. Does that make this a travel blog? A 'tralog'? Have I created a new genre of travel writing? "Excuse me, hello, I am a tralogger"? Does that work? 

Anyway, you may have guessed, but I am writing this post on the move. Specifically, I am on the train from Kuala Lumpur to Singapore. I am currently 'off the grid'. I have no wifi, I have no mobile signal. I'll upload this once I find wifi to hook up to in Singapore. But for now I am gliding along, like the butterfly I am naming this tralog post after. 

The butterfly is long gone, and if butterflies have the capacity to remember, it will have forgotten me by now. I saw my butterfly (I think I can claim it - I wasn't on a butterfly farm where butterfly ownership is more clearly defined, I was on Raya Island and the butterfly in question was soaring freely) (well, at least it was until I claimed it as my own just now) (I hope it doesn't suddenly feel the weight of my shackles upon its wings and crash down to the ground because that would ruin the whole reason for why I noticed this particular butterfly). 

Anyway, I will continue. This butterfly, my butterfly, soared. I have seen butterflies before, of course I have, but they have always been fluttering, always beating their wings frantically against the unrelenting downwards force of gravity. This butterfly (my butterfly) did the usual wing beating thing to gain height and then coasted on the air like a bird. It was incredible. I've never seen a butterfly coast. It wasn't an accident. My butterfly didn't accidentally forget to fly because it was busy deep in thought about its butterfly wife and butterfly (caterpillar?) children and butterfly job and butterfly mortgage. It purposely, consciously, stopped flying and soared for a prolonged period. Then after a while renewed the beating of his wings (I have decided my butterfly is a man butterfly. If I am wrong I shall apologise next time I see her) to gain new heights only to resume the soaring once more. 

It was pure serenity. Pure beauty. Pure nature. I felt freer just by witnessing its freedom.

Perhaps it was on butterfly holiday and taking a break from the nine-to-five wing beating rat race. "I'm on annual leave. I beat my wings for a living I'll be damned if I'm gonna beat them when I'm off the clock. All these people, expecting me to fly all the time. If they've got a problem with it they should stand on the shoulders of giants rather than coast on the wings of a butterfly".